To Those Who Feel Like Your Healing Will Never Come…

To those who are tired of the pain and want to heal…

To those who have felt like giving up…

To those who find themselves burying their face in their pillow to keep from anyone hearing the cries until the morning hours…

To those who take long baths or extra long showers simply to try to hide the uncontrollable tears…

To those wearing a smile on your face when you know good and well that everything seems to be falling apart inside. That your smile is the biggest lie, but you don’t want anyone else asking if you are ok…

To those who have a specific prayer they need so desperately to have answered, it seems the answer continues to be either “no” or “wait”…

To those who feel they can’t even say another prayer because they are beyond discouraged…

To those who feel all alone in a crowded room…

To those who want never to leave the comfort of their own bed…

To those who feel there are intentions behind everyone who says they care…

To those whose blood boils when you hear “It will be ok”…

To those who feel like your heart can’t break any more…

To all of “those,”…. it WILL be ok. Everything I said so far… well, that was ME! I was one of “those”. I never believed it would ever end so I am sure you won’t either but there really is hope for a happy future.  

For 15 years, my life had been full of disappointment after disappointment as I would beg God to let me have a baby. Time and time again, I looked at a pregnancy test, hoping that maybe there would be a line “this time.” Finally, my dreams came true with a faint line that, over a few days, slowly faded. I remember begging God to give me a baby or take my desire away.

We had already adopted two boys at the time (and a little girl since then), but I wanted to experience the pregnancy part of it all. All the excitement of that day the test was finally positive turned to hurt, disappointment, and bitterness.

I didn’t stay pregnant and hated anyone and anything because of it. I sank deep into depression. A depression that, years prior, I never would have guessed I would have experienced. Looking back, I can’t believe I ever got to the point I did.

I remember being hospitalized and feeling like it would never end. There was a quote on the wall that we (the other women facing similar struggles as I was) would joke about. It said, “Look how far I’ve come.” We would laugh at that quote. How ironic that I had come a long way from where I was. A happy child and teen to a miserably depressed adult. All because the one thing I had focused on wouldn’t happen. Pregnancy. I thought I could never be happy if my dreams never came true! 

Shortly after the deepest part of my depression, I had a full hysterectomy. A hysterectomy was much needed. Of course, the biggest reason was medical, but looking back, that was precisely what I needed for other reasons. I thought I would die the day that all the “chances” were over. Instead, I began to live again. 

Last week in church, songs were sung about how God is faithful and helps us in the valleys. I cried. This time, happy tears. Tears of joy knowing that those dark days are truly behind me. Healing finally came! The desires are gone, and I don’t have to fight the insane battles of my mind! Sure, I still have down days, but not at all about pregnancy.. just typical down days that everyone has. I know there will be hard days in the future because that is part of life. Every day is not going to be full of happy times. The darkest of my days has made the sun shine brighter, even on my harder days.

Going through such deep dark times makes you stronger. Things aren’t always perfect, and there are times I still smile regardless if I am having a hard day, but I think back to the quote… “Look how far I’ve come,” and this time, when I think of it, it makes me smile because it’s the truth. I have come a long way from sitting in a hospital room hating my life. 

It will get better. I can’t tell you how long you may hurt and how deep the pain will become before it gets better, but it WILL get better! Healing will come! Hang in there!