Tips for Co-Parenting For Divorced Or Separated Parents

Co-parenting after being separated or divorced from your partner is a tough thing to do, especially if it has been a bitter separation with resentment afterward. If the divorce hasn’t been due to something like substance abuse or domestic violence, both parents share joint custody – and want to be active in their child’s life. Parents playing an active role in their child’s life is essential for their emotional well-being and is a huge factor when it comes to the probability of developing mental illnesses throughout their lives. You may find yourself divorced and in need of some major tips for co-parenting to make it through.

However, even if your relationship with your ex-partner is great which is not always the case, co-parenting is not an easy thing to do. When partners live separately, each is not able to trust the other’s parenting abilities, and the lack of knowledge of what they’re doing with their lives is increasing the doubts. You also don’t want your children to grow up seeing their parents resenting each other, so keeping the relationship good, especially in front of them is important.

From communication, and discussions, reaching agreements seem like the most daunting thing to do with your ex-partner. So, here are some things to help you with co-parenting while keeping your child emotionally healthy.

“If conditions allow, the best child custody arrangement for the well-being of your child is joint custody because it ensures that both parents play a role in the upbringing of the child,” says Laura Gillis, attorney and expert on divorce in Arizona. 

Don’t use children as middlemen

Some couples stay resentful of one another for many years with a lot of carried baggage which affects the children if the parents are not able to separate that bitterness from their children and constantly remind themselves that these issues are not their child’s to bear and they are in no way responsible from them, and they don’t owe you good behavior because you’re taking on more than other couples. So, make sure you keep your issues with your ex, not your children.

This includes you not using them as messengers, even in an indirect way. For example, you don’t want to convey a certain image of yourself to your child and tell them to tell your ex that you are happy with your life or anything of that sort. Also, for parenting tasks, don’t tell your child to ask your ex if they could do this or that, directly contact your ex and make the arrangements together. 

Another thing is to never rant to your child about your ex or make them feel guilty for spending more time with your ex or saying good things about them. This makes them feel like they have to choose sides. A child has the right to love both parents the same even if one was horrible to the other, and their relationship with them is not something you should try to control.

Working on your communication with your ex

Communication is key when it comes to joint custody. If you don’t work on consistently and clearly communicating with one another, you are making co-parenting a hundred times harder on you and your child. When your feelings are coming in the way, try to think about the higher purpose which is your child growing up emotionally and mentally healthy. 

To make things easier, know that you don’t have to see your ex physically to communicate well. You can exchange texts and calls if that makes your communication more conflict-free. Look at your relationship with your ex like you’re doing business with someone, and you are both trying to raise a child healthily. Communicate with them the same way you would with a business partner–in a calm, respectful, and clear manner. 

Train yourself not to react emotionally when they try to press your buttons. Remember that you might not be in control of the situation, but you can always be in control of how it affects you. Exercise not being emotionally reactive, and remind yourself that this will negatively impact your child. Over time, it will get easier. 

Also, rephrase the way you make requests to your partner so it doesn’t seem like you are making demands. If you have something to ask, try using phrases that begin with: “If it’s okay with you, do you mind…?”

Lastly is to listen first before replying. Communication is about understanding each other, and this won’t happen if you don’t actively listen to what your ex is saying, even if you don’t agree with it. Giving your ex space to voice their opinions and explain their point of view is the key to successful communication and doesn’t mean that you approve of them, so there is nothing to lose. 

Joint custody can be a stressful experience for everyone involved, but it’s important to remember that your child’s best interests should come first. With open communication and clear boundaries, co-parenting with an ex is possible. By setting aside your emotions, you can make sure your child doesn’t suffer the consequences of your broken relationship and have a healthy upbringing. It won’t be easy but with patience, understanding, and effort, you can make it work.