Dealing with the Depression of a Loved One

written by Josh Smith

Depression is real. Depression is puzzling. Depression is prevalent. In fact, in a study done by Boston University, depression among young adults went from 8.5% in early 2020 to 32.8%. In essence, 1 in 3 young adults is battling this darkness known as depression. Young adults are certainly not alone as numbers have increased in nearly every age group.

With so many people battling depression, chances are you know someone (probably several someones) that are struggling with it. While facing your own issues is a terrible thing, watching a friend or family member go through depression is absolutely gut-wrenching. You want to fix it for them, but you can’t. There are some things that you can do to help, and a few things you can NOT do to help, as well.

In 2016, I had a front-row seat and my wife Amy struggled through her battle with depression. With everything in me I wanted to push the button and make it right but I quickly found there was no magic button to be pushed. I wanted to help her take that one step that would fix everything but found it was not like a quick walk to the mailbox but a marathon we were running. Step by step, day by day until we made it through.

#1 Ensure their physical safety.

This is critical. It may sound obvious and easy but it can be difficult. No matter how much physical, mental, or spiritual help is available, without their safety everything else is in vain. With Amy’s depression, we reached a point where she wanted to take her life. I purchased a gun safe to lock away all guns and ammo (obvious, right?) but what about the spare blades for the razor I used to shave? Yep, they went into the safe. Every pocket knife I had, was in the safe. Even the steak knives from the kitchen drawer. Yes, it was difficult, even inconvenient. Imagine having to go to the kitchen and the gun safe in order to eat a steak, yet that’s what we did to try to protect Amy. Sometimes that meant missing work to be with her. Sometimes canceling plans at the last minute, but her safety was the top priority at all costs.

I remember on one of the worst days, I had stayed home from church to be with her. The reason this day was that while I was getting ready for church, I had to take something out of her hands to stop her from trying to harm herself. It subsided for a while, still, she was struggling. As night began to fall, (it always seems to be worse at night) Amy not only begin to talk about dying, but started trying to find ways to make it happen as well. Three times that night I took things out of her hand that she was trying to hurt herself with.

As it began to get later, I had a very real dilemma. I knew Amy had an appointment with one of her lead doctors the very next morning at the hospital about an hour from our house, yet no matter how good the doctor was, if she was not living that morning it was of no use. Unfortunately, I am the guy that when I get still at night after a long day, I am asleep about the time my head hits the pillow. I knew we were 12 hours away from the appointment but with the exhaustion of the day, it might as well have been 12 years.

In that moment of being tired yet knowing I had to stay awake to protect Amy, I put her in the car. We left our house that night around 9 pm and for the next 5 plus hours, we drove. Where were we going? Nowhere in particular. I just knew that I would stay awake behind the wheel, it would force Amy to be close by where I could be with her and she would be safe. So through Central North Carolina, we went! Most every major highway in this part of the state we were on that night at least for a short period of time.

Finally, around 3 in the morning, Amy exhausted from a hard day, begins to fall asleep. I made our way to a cheap hotel at 3:30 in the morning only 15 minutes from the hospital. After checking in, I quickly checked to assess the safety of the room. Once I felt it was safe, I finally laid down for a quick 3 hours of rest before it was time for the appointment. I share that story for this purpose; trying to protect a friend or loved one can be hard and so exhausting, but it is the most important piece of the puzzle.

#2 Try to help them identify where their depression is coming from.

There are many different reasons why people struggle with depression. For some, it may be a physical explanation such as a chemical imbalance within the brain or their body’s reaction to a new medication. For some, it may be an emotional issue such as the death of a loved one or another major life-changing event. For others, it may be a spiritual issue. Helping identify the root cause can also help identify the best plan to get help.

Imagine if, on a hot summer day, my neighbor was out mowing his lawn. In his yard near the street was a fairly steep embankment. While mowing, something happens and his lawnmower flips with him on it and pins him under it. I see it, run over to his yard, and the first thing I say is “Man it sure is hot out here. Would you like me to go get you a glass of water?”. While it may be true that it is a scorcher outside, and he may be a little thirsty, I assure you something to drink is not his biggest need, it is getting the lawnmower off of him and getting him any medical help needed. When your loved one is struggling, be very kind, be wise in your timing but have conversations to help them identify what is causing them to feel this way. It may be as simple as a visit to their primary physician to do some blood work and rule out some hidden physical things. Whatever the cause, until it is identified it cant be addressed.

#3 Have a trusted person you can lean on

Yes, your loved one needs you in a real way. They will need you to listen when they are ready to talk. They may need a counselor. I will guarantee you, you will need someone to talk to. While in no way am I trying to diminish the immense burden someone struggling with depression is under, those who deeply care and are in the trenches trying to help are often overlooked when in essence, they are bearing the burden of 2.

When I was a teenager, my best friend and I were both big boys. Being teenagers and just doing things boys do, sometimes while we were goofing off with our friends, I would pick my buddy up and put him on my shoulder. It would be fun and it would be fine…… for a few minutes. To spin him around for a minute, to pretend we were doing the move from one of our favorite wrestlers, or to show how strong I was for whoever I was trying to impress. I could double the weight on my body for a little bit. Now imagine as a teenager me trying to carry my friend for a 5K….. uphill…in the dark… If I am going to finish the race with him in tow, I am not only going to need to take him off my shoulder but probably grab a stretcher and a couple of friends to help me carry him to the finish line.

The same is true when it is that one close to you battling depression. They will need you, but you will need someone. Someone to help with the load. Someone to pray for you. Someone to encourage you, Someone to say it is going to be ok. I would encourage you to have that trusted person and it NOT be the one struggling. The last thing you want is for the person struggling to feel like they are the reason you are hurting or battling yourself. Be as strong and encouraging as possible with the one who is struggling and then when you are with your trusted person, break into as many pieces as you need.

#4 Don’t tell them how to feel or try a quick fix.

This is a really bad idea. Unfortunately, I know from experience. As a guy, my natural instinct is to identify the problem and fit it NOW. Depression just doesn’t work that way. If there was a quick fix then people would not battle it for months or years.

I didn’t realize that at the beginning of our battle. Often things would come out of my mouth like “You shouldn’t feel that way” or “There is no reason for you to think that” or worst of all “ I wish you could just snap out of it.” While my heart had the best intentions and all I wanted was to fix it, these statements only made Amy feel that much worse. The truth was she didn’t want to feel “that” way. She knew in some cases she shouldn’t feel “that” way and if she could just snap out of it she would have already. Patience, prayer, and being slow to speak are critical components of being a support for someone struggling with depression.

So if you are the support for your family member or friend going through the valley of depression, be faithful, be supportive, be kind, and make sure you get the help you need as well. I can’t tell you it will be easy and I can’t tell you how long before this valley is over, but you can make it!